Prolog: I wrote this after trying to explain to my brother that I wasn't the same guy he grew up with. I sat down and took a real close look at why I was different and what those differences are. And, most importantly, what caused those differences. This essay is the result of that looking. It's only 20 pages long but it took me 6 months to write. It was very cathartic and helped resolve all that inner conflict. It answers the question of what changed us and what exactly those changes are. Hope it helps you.
Vietnam!!! It started in 1965. It ended in 1975. They called it a war but technically it was a Police Action. This war lasted 10 years. That’s longer than the World Wars lasted, which makes you wonder what the hell was so important to the United States to fight a war for that long? I mean, 10 years, that’s a long time. What was so important to generate that type of commitment from our country? Freedom? Constitutional Republic? Truth? The American way? What was it? $$$.
And this war was different than all the other wars. They didn’t seem to care if we won it or not. It was really strange being there and seeing this firsthand too. Which of course, leads to the real tragedy of this war. What it did to the guys that fought it. The guys that were actually on the ground, on the firebases, in the jungle.
Well, we thought we were fighting for our country. I personally went over there because, even though I was drafted, I still believed in my country. I believed in freedom, I believed in our Constitution. We lived in the best country in the world and I figured it was worth fighting for. And I was born and raised 15 miles from the Canadian border in Western New York so I could have easily gone to Canada. But I choose to fight for my country.
Of course, it didn’t take long “in country” to realize that the whole thing was a sham. The war was a joke. They weren’t serious about winning it. Matter of fact, it seemed like they were deliberately trying to lose it. And, of course, once you realize that, something changes inside of you, and the change doesn’t go away, it's permanent. But you don’t realize that at the time and you couldn’t just stop what you’re doing, hop on a plane, and zoom back to the world and tell all the folks back home what a joke it is.
Of course, now, it’s pretty much common knowledge why we were there. The Industrial-Military complex and all that. We were over there dying and having our lives ruined so the “big boys” could make some more money. A very sobering thought on how the world really works.
So what happened to the guys over there? The guys that actually fought the war. Why were they so different when they came back? Why were they such a problem? Nobody would talk to us. Nobody wanted to hear what we had to say about anything, much less Vietnam. To this day the Vietnam Veteran is pretty much ignored and looked down upon.
Well, we didn’t know we had been changed. We were just glad to make it out of there. And then, usually within a year after returning, we started getting sick. Not real serious at first but just enough to know that something wasn’t right inside. From that point on, slowly but surely, you start losing control of you. You start retreating from life. It's funny too because you know who you are, or at least who you were before the war, but you can no longer be that guy.
What happened to us that changed our personality so dramatically? Most people sensed it in us when we first arived home. The friends and family I had before Vietnam just, kind of, went away. Kept their distance from me. Like they were afraid I was going to explode or something. It was very frustrating. And this was before the Agent Orange, Parasites, or PTSD had a chance to kick in to make us sick.
So it occurred to me that whatever it was that made us unusual or different to our friends and family had to be something other than the chemicals, parasites or PTSD
People were treating us different before the physical and mental problems started to manifest. Why? What were they sensing about us that we didn’t even know existed in ourselves? The physical and mental problems took a while to develop so we weren’t suffering with any of that yet. And we were so happy just to make it home we just simply didn’t see it.
The physical problems were Agent Orange and parasite infestation. The mental problems were PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and the hightened Awrareness factors this book covers.
I thought it very interesting that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is alive and well in Vietnam also. The North Vietnamese have it. The Vietcong have it. “Charlie” suffers from PTSD too. Back here in the United States it’s certainly alive and well, taking one Vietnam Vet after another out of life. Either outright killing him or seriously limiting his ability to participate in life.
Then there’s the Agent Orange fiasco. That stuff can’t hurt you can it? Of course the government denied that one for 20 years. All along the Vietnam Vets dropping like flies because of it.
Another bad “thing” we picked up over there was the Asian parasites. Most people missed this one. Parasitic infestations are very subtle but very harmful to a human body. Those nasty little bugs will kill you. And they just ruin your personality
So, On the physical and mental fronts we didn’t have a chance, something was going to get us. Agent Orange, parasites or PTSD. And if you were in the jungle for any length of time you were sure to get all three.
Anyway, if the physical and mental problems hadn’t developed yet, what did people sense about us that made them so nervous around us? That made them not really want to be friends with us or be around us for any length of time? What was it?
Had we change? You bet. I tried for 30 years to get back to who I was before the war. I finally gave up on it. Then it occurred to me that it wasn’t possible to be who I was before the war. It was like trying to go back to not knowing how to drive a car. I had been changed by the war. My perceptions of life had been permanently altered. Apparently not for the better.
And then I took a real close look at what happened to me over there. I narrowed it down to the exact times I had been changed. Before the firefight I was one person, after the firefight I was another. What was different? Something had to be either taken away from me or added to me to experience that large of a personality change. Was it good or bad? Maybe it was good.
In all my research on this personality change phenomenon plus my firsthand experience with it. I’ve broken it down into 5 factors. Three actual skills we acquired and two conclusions we came to. None of which have anything to do with chemical poisoning, parasite infestation or PTSD.
The three skills we acquired are what family and friends sensed about us. It’s what made them nervous about us. It’s what they didn’t want to see in us, or maybe not even in themselves. Which, of course, proves that they have the same potential to discover and develop these skills the way we did.
The skills we acquired are:
1. We discovered we had a perfect memory.
2. We developed a very strong desire to see and perceive.
3. We discovered “innate” abilities far beyond “normal”.
The conclusions we came to are:
4. How quickly everything can change.
5. Peace and Love.
1. The perfect memory
Remember the “trip” of Timothy Leary fame? Take some drugs, drop out, expand your mind, find your soul, peace, love and all the stuff that created the infamous “hippie” movement here in the States. What we discovered over there was that these “trips” are indeed quite real. It is possible to take a little trip in your mind. But you didn’t need any drugs or chemicals to help you. And without the drugs or chemicals there’s no hallucinations. There’s no danger of overdosing. There’s no magic soul to be found. And the trips were quite life saving at the time. They became absolutely essential. We had to hang on to some sense of sanity.
Plus, we didn’t want to see what we were in the middle of anyway. I mean, we were kids, we were rookies in life. We had no perception of the level of stress we were under at the time.
Here’s how it went. You get a letter from home and the next thing you know you’re actually there (in your mind anyway). You can remember all the cool things you did as a kid or teenager. You can remember the picnic in the park, you can actually smell the hotdogs, hamburgers and steak cooking on the grill. You remember the highschool football games, drinking Colt 45 Malt Liquor under the grandstand during the game. You remember that first kiss, getting your drivers license, highschool graduation, your paper route, your first real job, falling in love.
I was right in the middle of one of these trips when I realized I was remembering every little detail of the experience. I remembered seeing three birds up on the telephone wire out of the corner of my eye. Two of the birds were about three feet from the pole and the third bird was about a foot away from the other two. I remember being surprised to remember that. I mean, that was a very insignificant part of the incident I was remembering at the time.
From that time on I paid very close attention to these little trips. And it happened to all of us. We’d be playing spades or hearts or something out in the jungle on a break or at the firebase, and one of the guys would just simply leave. The rest of us didn’t pay any attention to it because we knew what was happening. It happened to all of us. We went home to some sanity.
Going on these trips made us all see that we did indeed have a perfect memory. Unerringly accurate. And it wasn’t our imagination, the trips were too vivid and detailed by real events to be imaginings. The perfect memory didn’t go away when we got home. It became both a curse and a blessing.
2. I want to see
The desire to see becomes obsessive in nature. You have to see. Your life depends on your ability to see and more importantly to perceive what you are looking at. No explanations, nobody lying to you, telling you what you are supposed to be seeing. And not seeing will get you, and a lot of other guys, killed.
Pulling guard duty in the jungle. There is absolutely no light in the jungle. I remember being on guard duty one night in the jungle. I put my right hand in front of my face, I even touched the palm of my hand to my nose. I couldn’t see my hand. I couldn’t see anything. Every cell in your body wakes up because of that. Every nerve in your body becomes super aware because you can’t see, and yet your have to see.
So you develop the ability to see far beyond what only your eyes can see. Every cell in your body wakes up. Every nerve becomes super aware.
We’ve all heard of a mothers ability to sense when something is wrong with her kids. They call it the sixth sense. Mothers are very good at it too. I used to wonder how my mother knew everything I was doing. They don’t even know they’re doing it either. It’s just “natural” to them.
That sixth sense turned on inside of us in Vietnam. We wanted to see the same way a mother wants to see. A mother develops and uses her sixth sense to watch over her kids, to protect her kids. We developed it to stay alive. I mean, we were in a war, guys were getting killed, bullets were flying around.
We HAD to see. So we discovered and developed the ability to see with all our senses, not with just our eyes.
In a war situation that is all well and good but unfortunately when you get back to the world it becomes a real problem. The ability to see and perceive what you are looking at does NOT go away.
3. Discovering your Innate abilities.
You’re alone. Perhaps for the first time in your life you are completely alone. Even though you are surrounded by people, you’re still alone.
It took me about three months “in country” to learn that the whole war was a very bad joke. “They” certainly didn’t want to win it. And once you have that realization some very interesting things start happening inside of you.
Yes, you still follow orders and do what you are supposed to do, just like you were trained to do in Basic and AIT, but something is different. There’s a very subtle conflict going on inside of you. “They” don’t want to win the war and you are there to win the war, to fight for your country, fight for freedom, defeat the evil communists. You are dependent on them for everything and “they” don’t care one whit about you. That’s a tough thing to swallow.
You are there so “they” can make more money. So “they” can get their medals. So “they” can further their careers. Because of that you develop total and complete distrust of all authority figures.
You simply couldn’t trust your superior officers. They were leading you to the slaughter. And yet you had to go where they say you had to go. In harms way. It became a real problem.
If you can’t trust your superior officers, who are supposed to know how to fight a war, who are supposed to know what to do in any situation a war gets you into, who are supposed to protect you and keep you safe so you can kick some serious ass when the time comes, who are you going to trust?
You have to turn to your buddies. But, wait a minute, there’s a problem with that also. After your first firefight, where a few guys get wounded or killed, it's very apparent that it’s not wise to become too close to anybody. Nor is it wise to let anybody get real close to you. Watching your buddy get tore apart by bullets, or even killed, is emotionally very traumatizing and you certainly wouldn’t want to put anybody else through that. So you get alone and you stay alone.
Yet, you’re all in this together and you have to do your job, as he has to do his, just to stay alive. A true kinship and brotherhood develops that you don’t even know about until long after you get home.
And, we were good out in the jungle. We could trust each other. We, the grunts, knew what we were doing. It’s the officers and politicians that were getting us killed.
So, there we are half way around the world and we’re truly alone. We couldn’t trust the people that were leading us. We didn’t want to get too close to anybody in case we did get blown away. We turned within.
I saw a TV program about the Dust-Off pilots of Vietnam. One of the pilots being interviewed said that all the dust-off pilots developed a sixth sense about how to fly in to pick up the wounded. They could “sense” where “Charlie” was and flew around him to avoid the groundfire. Us guys on the ground not only developed this sixth sense but also a few senses beyond that.
I’ve tried to explain this to regular people but so far the only ones that know what I’m talking about are other combat veterans. I don’t know if it’s possible to put it into words, but I’ll try.
In the jungle you’re awake, totally awake. Every cell in your body is trying to see. Every nerve trying to feel, trying to sense every little detail about your surroundings. The best way to say this is, you actually become the jungle. You become the life energy that is the jungle. You can tell if a twig is out of place. You know when “Charlie” is present.
Plus, during your first firefight you start communicating with your fellow grunts without words. You can read each others thoughts. You know what they need, and they know what you need. There’s no trivia, no games, no lies, it’s life and death and you both know it.
The only problem with this is that you don’t really know you’re doing it. It just happens. No college course required, no special spiritual training required, no meditations or mental gymnastics required. It just happens. Bam, you can read minds. Which is a HUGE problem here in the world.
Now, the bad part of all this is that you don’t even know this is all happening to you. You’re developing skills that the average person has no idea even exist. You don’t even know they exist. And you don’t find out about them until you get home and try to go back to who you were. Then, you find out that you don’t fit in anywhere. You find out everything’s different. Which isn’t readily apparent to you at first.
You find out you can complete the other guys sentences when he’s talking to you. You can sense danger all around you. You can sense lies, lies and more lies. You can see what you are looking at without being told what you are supposed to be seeing. You know peoples true intentions. You can cut through all the layers of BS and get to the heart of any matter.
Of course it doesn’t take long before you see that it’s just not wise to be so awake. It doesn’t fit into all the lies that pass for society. So, you shut up. Which just makes the publics perception of us Vietnam Vets more distant.
I mean, it’s a REAL problem. How do you deal with all these abilities that just won’t go away? Most of the guys had no idea what had happened to them. It took me years to figure it out.
You could have another beer, or pop a few pills, but eventually, if that didn’t kill you, you learned that drugs and booze wasn’t the answer. So, you’re stuck. You have all these abilities that you dare not use.
You can see the truth in most any situation and people just plain aren’t interested in that much truth. They like the little cocoon they have built for themselves. They live in a comfort zone with all kinds of solvable problems that they don’t really want solved. They seem to love being told how to live by the government. How to live by the preachers, doctors and any other so-called “expert”. They are living in a sea of lies and they like it.
And don’t you dare try to suggest to them that there’s real answers out there to the problems they have. The problems that they think are so insurmountable are really quite easy to overcome. But they won’t listen to you because you’re a Vietnam Veteran and you’re sick with Agent Orange chemical poisoning, parasite infestations, or PTSD. Which have absolutely nothing to do with the skills you acquired.
So the innate skills you picked up over there, because of the combat, because of the bad leadership, because of the necessity to be alone, serve no useful purpose here in a “peace” society. To be awake amongst the sleeping is tricky and very frustrating. Life turns convoluted and very slippery.
4. Permanent Change
Having discovered our perfect memory. Having developed an obsessively strong desire to see, and perceive what we are looking at. Having discovered and developed these innate abilities that go far beyond the sixth sense. What else happened to us that would change us so dramatically. What happened to us that would make us see how precious life really is? How fragile it really is? The conclusions of seeing this would become set in stone, unchangeable for the rest of our lives. Conclusions that would make us subject to a considerable amount of abuse by our fellow men (and women). And, indeed, not permit us to go back to who we were before the war.
I’ve often thought of it this way; I was 21 years old when I went over there, I was 75 when I came back. Not me physically, but my attitude. My attitude was that of an old person. Just glad to be here, just glad to be alive. How did I get that attitude?
In the blink of an eye. One minute you’re alive the next minute you’re dead. One minute you’re a strong healthy 20 year old kid the next minute you’re full of holes. In an instant everything changes. That’s how.
Maybe it's because I was the medic and I had to try to patch these guys up that this came home so hard on me. The preciousness of life. It can all change in an instant. Permanently changed.
These guys that got killed or wounded over there had families. Mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, some even had wives and children. Plus all the friends they knew before the war. All changed in the blink of an eye.
That awareness of tragic, immediate, permanent change doesn’t go away when you get home. It’s so deeply ingrained in you because you’ve been living it for the past year that it just doesn’t go away. Everything you do, everywhere you go, you have this nagging feeling that something bad is going to happen. And it's going to be a complete surprise when it does happen. All your plans are going to be for naught.
And, after we got home, sure enough, bad things started happening. We started getting sick. Chemical poisoning, Parasites, and good old PTSD.
But it’s the sudden change that stays with you. And conversely the great appreciation for life. You realize it can all change in an instant and that life really is quite precious. You’re just glad to be here.
5. Peace and Love
So, how are we going to live? After experiencing a war and seeing what we saw, learning what we learned and surviving it. Plus, seeing the horrendous conditions the “locals” of the “third world” lived in. What other conclusion can you come to? You’ve seen firsthand the futility of war. You’ve seen the other end of the spectrum. You’ve seen the results of pure greed. You’ve seen the total lack of respect for life. It’s NOT nice.
And for the rest of your life you are totally baffled, in complete awe that anybody could be so uncaring, so unobservable, so completely hostile toward their fellow man that they would actually fight a war just so they could make some money and message their ego a little more. It’s really quite confounding and it IS insanity at its finest. “Lets go start a war and kill some people so we can make some more money”. Insane.
So, you try to live in peace and love which isn’t necessarily that easy to do. Especially after a few years go by and you start learning the truth about the war. The anger and rage start boiling inside of you. And unfortunately it has to escape every now and then. Thank God for our true friends and family that put up with us when that would happen.
The other thing that would hinder the expression of love was the ability to perceive what we are looking at. There are so many lies being perpetrated on society at this time in history that it tends to anger you. Why can’t anyone else see these lies? They are as plain as day to us.
And after seeing the living conditions of those people in the “Third world” you honestly wonder how anyone can complain about anything in this country. One of my first thoughts I had when I got home was; “What are all you people complaining about?” Everybody’s caught up in all this trivia they think is so important.
But, for the most part we truly lived in peace and tried our best to keep the love flowing out. Quite often to our own detriment.
Conclusions / Consequences
Coming home? Yeah finally, after undestanding what's written in here. I physically returned back in 1971 but way back then nobody knew about any of this. We didn’t know we had been changed by the war, we were just glad to get out of it. But it didn’t take long to see that things were different.
At the time you came home you were still young, you still had all the “privileges of youth” working for you so you could brush off all the subtle clues that you didn’t want to see anyway. But you knew inside something was different.
And it started immediately. At least it did for me. I remember driving home from the Airport the very night I returned. I had to have my sister pull the car off the road into a parking lot so I could get in the back seat. I couldn’t handle all that traffic coming at me in the front seat. Everybody was going so fast. I hadn’t been in a car in a year. The last vehicle I was in was a deuce and a half loaded with artillery ammo going down Highway 1 from Qui Nhon to Saigon.
The only other time I was in a vehicle was, again, a deuce and a half loaded with artillery ammo on Highway 19 coming back from Cambodia and then moving our Division from An Khe to Qui Nhon. And that was scary coming down out of the Highlands going through those mountain passes down to sea level. Trucks loaded with high explosive artillery ammo losing their brakes. The road snaking down the side of the mountain. You could see the support crumbling out from below the road. Very nerve-racking.
So now, here I am doing 50-60 miles an hour in a little Dodge Valiant heading north on Transit Road in Western New York. A truly frightening experience at the time. First clue.
The second clue came when I got home to my mothers place. My mother had died two days before, thus, the reason I was called from Vietnam 2 months early, so all my relatives were there. But they wouldn’t talk to me. Oh sure, they were polite and said the obligatory “hello” but they got away from me as soon as they could. It’s like they were all mad at me for something. So, after an hour of putting up with that I got with my brother and went for a couple of beers at the local tavern.
From then on all the little clues started piling up and eventually you had to deal with it. Especially after you started getting physically sick.
The physical sickness from the Agent Orange and parasites was very frustrating. Nobody believed we were sick. And it’s very difficult to explain to somebody what Agent Orange actually does to you. Both physically and mentally. The mental part being the worse of the two.
I found out how devastating the mental part of it is only after I got rid of the Agent Orange. It's very subtle and very effective at ruining your life. It gives you a sense of hopelessness that you’re not really aware you have. It's very frustrating.
I was lucky. While in the process of cleaning my body out from all the chemicals and parasites I picked up over there, I passed the Agent Orange on December 14th 1998, after a liver flush. Within minutes after expelling that stuff from my body I noticed a very subtle change inside of me. It took about three days for that sense to coalesce enough for me to get a real handle on it. But for the first time since 1971 I actually felt like I could make it. That I just might survive all this. I might live. Only then did I realize how nasty Agent Orange really is.
Agent Orange was a great defoliant but when it washed off the foliage it got into the jungle streams and that’s where the grunts got their drinking water everyday. Plus, they mixed it with diesel fuel so it would stick to the foliage. Diesel fuel and Agent Orange, we were drinking it.
And then there’s the parasites. Most people missed this. It’s the parasites that caused most of the infamous “panic attacks” and paranoia we experienced. I learned this from Dr. Hulda Clark.
Parasites secrete ammonia as a normal biological by-product. Of course if you’ve ever smelled “smelling salts” you know what ammonia does to you. It wakes you up. Technically it stimulates the adrenal glands to secrete adrenaline. It triggers the “fight or flight” mechanism that served us so well in Vietnam. The only problem was that there was no war going on.
I remember standing in line at the local grocery store when a panic attack hit. My God man. I knew I wasn’t in Vietnam. I knew the war was far behind me. What the hell was happening???? I had to get out of there.
They’d hit while you’re at the mall doing some Christmas shopping. While you’re driving your car, working, playing, anytime. And trying to sleep at night was impossible. It was terrible.
Well, eventually the Adrenal glands get a little tired from being constantly stimulated by the ammonia. Adrenal fatigue sets in and there goes your life. The Adrenal glands supply your body with the energy it needs to express life. Once they are burnt out you can't really participate in life anymore. And you wonder about that. You used to be able to do anything. Had plenty of energy. Not any more. Adrenal fatigue. You can’t even sleep at night to recoup your energy.
Then the paranoia sets in. Adrenal fatigue and no sleep causes paranoia. It’s that simple. You simply can’t get the energy you need to feel secure. By the way, sleep deprivation is the first rule of brainwashing. So, the parasites were just as bad as the Agent Orange. They burnt your adrenals out and didn’t allow you to sleep.
PTSD, Good old Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Trying to explain this to anyone is just about impossible. My personal experience with it is traveling back in time to Vietnam or Cambodia and not being able to come back until the incident I’m in the middle of runs itself out. Plus the night sweats and nightmares. I think the worst part about it is that you realize that you aren’t in control of you anymore.
Something surprises you, or you hear an unfamiliar noise or something is out of place or you’re just sleeping and next thing you know your back in the war. Now, you know you’re really not there but your mind doesn’t listen. You’re back in Hell and the worst part about it is you can’t pull yourself out of it. It has to just run its course. Once it runs its course, which usually lasted about 2-3 hours with me, you have you back. But just knowing that this happens to you flushes your self determinism right down the toilet. You know at any time something can happen and you aren’t in control of you anymore for the next few hours.
It pretty much puts a big “stop” right in the middle of your life. You can’t trust you anymore so automatically you stop trusting anybody else. Consequently you just try to keep the love flowing.
Of course there’s much more to PTSD than what I’ve touched on here but you get the idea. Basically you can’t trust you anymore. The absurdity of that is that while you were in Vietnam you were the ONLY person you could trust. And you were good at it. Developing special skills to handle any situation.
My personal theory on PTSD revolves around having an original legitimate purpose to accomplish anything. Especially a war. Obviously the war was a con on both sides of the battlefield. “Charlie” was being used as a pawn by the same “elite” rulers that were using us. Without a legitimate purpose for the war it all seemed to backfire on us. At least on the guys who fought the war. Apparently not the guys who planned it and made all the money from it.
BACK IN THE WORLD
1. What about these skills we acquired over there? How did that affect us once we got back to the world? How would having a perfect memory affect your life in a negative way?
There’s actually two sides to this coin. And they both took a little time to develop. After a few years go by you start to see that you can remember dates, times and events that happened to you, or your loved ones, with great accuracy. As you realize this you simultaneously realize that most other people have a very poor memory and can remember very few specifics about their past. It makes you think that most other people are just plain dumb, which isn’t true at all.
But consequently you end up getting very impatient with people. Intolerant and unwilling to take the time necessary to teach them about their perfect memory. Because you know damn well they have one.
Eventually you come to see that most people live in an emotionally charged “now” that they can’t quite see is related to their own efforts and happenings of the past. It’s the old saying “if you don’t learn from your mistakes you are condemned to repeat them”. Of course to learn from your mistakes requires a good memory.
The tragedy here is that if you can’t see and understand the significant events of your own life and how they relate to your present time happiness or problems there’s a good chance you aren’t going to be able to see the social engineering taking place by our “big brother” government and the “movers and shakers” of the world. You know, the guys who sent us to Vietnam.
This is almost unacceptable to us Vietnam guys. To us Vietnam guys life is so precious that it’s hard to comprehend how anybody could live in such a way. That they could take life so nonchalant. That they don’t have the ability to connect the dots just because they simply will not take the time to remember.
We get accused of living in the past because of our good memory. However, if the past is the only place you can find any sanity you tend to stay there. At least until you get all this Vietnam garbage that was done to us in its right place. It’s very difficult to live in present time when the present is Hell itself.
The other side of the coin is a true life saver. Confrontational Therapy. Anybody who is having any success with any mental therapy at all is doing it with Confrontational Therapy. Everybody from Tony Robins to the old Christian confessional to Mr. L. Ron Hubbard’s famous Dianetics book. They all use Confrontational therapy to solve the individuals problems. And it does indeed work.
So, in that capacity having a great memory is a true life saver. You don’t have to worry about whether you’re using your imagination or not. You started doing the homeward bound memory trips shortly after you got “in country” and you did it everyday thereafter until you got home, so you know you’re good at it and you know its accurate.
But it was the negative side of it that made it more difficult for us to mold back into society. We’d get impatient and intolerant with people for no apparent reason. Having a good memory just doesn’t seem to be that important to most people, which is very frustrating.
2. The desire to see and the ability to perceive what you are looking at became a huge problem here in the world. Perhaps more-so than any other single thing.
Ultimately, what are we desiring to see? TRUTH. Out in the jungle we were real good at it. Of course there wasn’t a lot of variables in the jungle. But it was life and death. It was right up there at the top of the priorities of life pole.
“Seek and ye shall find”. In order to seek you need to be able to see. In order to see you have to have the desire to see. Unfortunately, at this time in history the desire to see the truth can get you into a lot of trouble.
Society is layered with one lie after another, one con after another, one deception after another. The politicians and the people who own the politicians, the true rulers of this planet, have done an excellent job hiding the truth from society. It takes a considerable effort and lots of time to sift through it all to finally get to the truth in most any matter on a worldly scale. Eventually you learn that the world doesn’t run anywhere near the way most people think it does. There are layers and layers of lies, deceit, and deception that have to be pealed back to finally get to the truth.
Fortunately the truth does indeed set you free. The only problem with seeking the truth, and loving the truth, is you automatically start to hold in great contempt the lies and the creators of the lies. The hate that develops doesn’t square with the love you have to manifest in your life. If you’re going to love the truth you have to figure out a way to deal with the lies and more specifically the creators of the lies. It's not an easy task but fortunately there is a very simple way to do this.
Truth is a funny thing. I had to keep on learning because I simply couldn’t stop the desire to see. And once you see the truth about most of these things it is indeed heartbreaking. The "Ideal" that I fought for in Vietnam doesn’t exist and hasn’t existed for quite some time now. And that, breaks your heart.
3. These innate abilities we acquired are probably what most people sense in us that they are afraid of.
Remember the “1000 yard stare”? What was that anyway? I remember the first time I saw it. In March of 70 we had just landed in Pleiku when I saw it on a friend of mine that had been “in country” since the previous July. He came walking out of the jungle and there it was.
To this day I don’t really know what it is. But I know that I’ve got it. I tend to think it's these skills we picked up and what we had seen first hand. Apparently that comes through in your facial expressions.
We’re awake, we’re alive, we can read minds, we can sense danger, we can ascertain truth whenever we see it, and we can see quite well, we’ve seen death firsthand, firefights, wounds and suffering firsthand. Serious stuff. Much too serious to retain childhood innocence. And yet, we were still kids.
The ability to know what the other guy is thinking before he thinks it. The ability to communicate without words. The ability to sense danger, the ability to quickly comprehend most any situation. The ability to know what to do and how to do it without being told. The ability to perceive true intentions, the ability to survive against great odds. The ability to become life itself when necessary. The ability to know you have these abilities. And the ability to trust them above all else. Again, we were good in the jungle, real good.
Yes, I studied all the psychic’s. I studied all the religions. I even did the Born-again Christian thing for a while. Hoping that would save me and stop this mental torment, you know, fulfill all the promises they so loudly proclaim. Non of it worked. I was still dying.
To find out that most of the world you lived in before you went over there is nothing more than smoke and mirrors cuts to the very core of your existence. That world is an emotionally charged trivia show they put on for the public while the status quo marches on. It’s not easy to know all this stuff and come up with a valid reason to keep on living. Freedom gone, Constitutional Republic gone, Truth, Justice and the American way definitely gone.
So the innate skills we acquired saved us while over there and yet became a real burden for us here in the world. Ignorance is indeed bliss when you're young. Of course you pick up a lot of these skills as you get older but at 21 years old it ruins everything until you get a handle on it. Which takes years. I could go on and on about all that but I’m sure you get the idea.
4. Life is precious, one minute you’re alive the next instant your dead. Just like that it’s all over. The lives of mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, wives, children, and all the friends of the fallen soldier permanently changed, in the blink of an eye, in a useless war. That, ladies and gentlemen, is true tragedy. Life is much to precious to be wasted in such a way.
The suddenness of that change is what stayed with us. Look, if you’re going to ruin a life, at least the guys who life it is, has the right to do that himself. That’s fine. I've seen some wonderful people, real characters, ruin their life and have a hell of a lot of fun doing it. There’s not a thing wrong with that as long as the option is theirs.
But to ruin another’s life so you can make some more money, or so you can get you medals for bravery, is insanity.
Slowly, over the years the suddeness of change factor does fade quite a bit but its always there and it always keeps you on the edge of your seat. It always makes you mentally note where the exits are when you go into a large enclosed space. It never quite gets all the way gone.
5. “All you need is love”. Well... Almost!!! It’s not quite that easy. Not quite all that cut and dry. Ultimately it might work, but not at this time in history.
Of course, after seeing the war and going through all that it’s quite easy to take off in the opposite direction. Obviously war doesn’t work. Too many hidden agenda’s. Too much death and suffering. Lets go in the other direction - Love.
Well, that doesn’t work either. You end up getting used and abused by a wide variety of people. Including Governments, religions, doctors, wives, friends, family and a whole swarm of supposedly “honest” people. People you used to be able to be friends with. People that you may even have looked up to before the war.
But at least when love doesn’t go right there’s nobody laying there dead. The worse that can happen is you’re out a few bucks or you get your heart broken a few times. But you figure that’s sure a hell of a lot better than war. If you’re going to error at least let it be on that side of the equation. Too much love NOT too much hate. Love hurts, but it beats war.
So I discovered that love does indeed work but it doesn’t work all the time. It doesn’t seem to work on a certain segment of society. So, it occurred to me that if I was going to survive, indeed, get anywhere in life at all, I would have to find a way to deal with that segment of society that doesn’t respond to love. Who were these people?
Much to my surprise I discovered that the segment of society that doesn’t respond to real love are the liars and con-artists of the society. So I would have to learn how to lie to the liars and how to out-con the con man.
I’ve been doing that for a number of years now and it works like a fine Swiss watch. Its almost magical. And the neat part about it is that I can’t lie to honest people. I just can’t do it.
But, to the liars of the world I’ve gotten real good at it. Same thing for the con-man. It's amazing how easy it is and how much fun it is. And it works. It doesn’t take these people long to exit your life when you start pulling on them what they are guilty of.
Vietnam was, indeed, tragic. There has never been a war like it in the history of man. Nor will there ever be again.
I was one of the lucky(?) ones. I was born and raised without drugs or vaccinations. Which gave me a good measuring stick to determine the severity of the chemical poisoning and mental problems we acquired over there. Needless to say it was very frustrating to go through all this while knowing what “normal” is.
To get back to “normal’ on a physical level is the easiest part of the program. I used a combination of Dr Hulda Clarks anti-parasite program, Awareness Corporations anti-parasite product “Clear” and Standard Processes Zymex II. It took about 4 months to get rid of the serious infestation. I stayed on maintenance dosages for about 2 years after that just to make sure all the bugs were gone.
The Agent Orange was expelled after taking the specific homeopathic remedy for Agent Orange, Colon Cleansing and the infamous liver flush.
The PTSD is also fixable with the confrontational therapies. My personal favorite is Dianetics and Scientology.
My opinion is that it’s not the Agent Orange, parasites or PTSD that caused all the trouble we’ve had conforming back into society. It’s the perfect memory, the ability to see and perceive, and the heightened awareness that alienated us, that made us different, that wouldn’t allow us to go back to who we were.
For sure the Agent Orange took a lot of guys out. Killed them with liver disease. Which is indeed tragic. Same thing of the parasites and PTSD. A lot of people died because of these things. Living in hell up to the moment of death too. Not a very honorable way to go.
But, if there’s a flip side to this coin it has to be the special abilities we discovered within us.
If you stop and think about it these traits are supposedly very highly valued by society. Perfect memory, the ability to see and perceive, innate skills. But apparently the acquisition of these traits must be done by orthodox methods if you are to be accepted by society. You must have an advanced educational degree. You must spend years and years in special spiritual training. You must meditate or spend years in specific mental gymnastics to acquire these skills. Only then will society accept you.
And perhaps that’s the biggest problem. Knowing that the advanced education isn’t required nor is the years of effort in spiritual training and mental discipline required. Knowing that it’s all within you at this moment ready and willing to be tapped anytime you want. In other words. It's all too easy. That’s the real problem.
I figured, if I could pick up these skills, how hard can it be? The conclusion you have to draw from that is anybody can do it. Everybody has the same potential. The skills are already there buried within them and all they have to do is go get them. No higher education required. No spiritual training or mental discipline required. Just, go get them.
If you spent any time at all in the jungle in Vietnam you have these skills. Whether you want them or not you’ve got them. It doesn’t matter what layer of society you came from, what color you are, what religion or anything else. If you were out on patrol in the jungle and were in a few firefights you acquired these traits.
So you might as well accept it and acknowledge it. We are not the scary, weird, distant people “they” have made us out to be. The only problem we have is we’re too awake and we didn’t know what to do with all the input we were receiving back here in the world. In the jungle we were sensory starved. Here it’s sensory overload.
Sort it out. Use your abilities to solve these problems. Don’t believe all the garbage that’s been said and printed about the Vietnam Veteran. The powers that be are afraid of anybody that seeks and knows the truth, not just us. The truth will save you and set you free and make you look at these people that start wars with pity because they truly are pitiful people. The truth shines through.
In my efforts to go back to who I was before the war I even tried to look the same as I looked before the war. Cut my hair short, no field jacket or camo uniforms. I was surprised how much that helped too.
There’s no effort in changing either. We’ve all tried to change and failed miserably. The only thing that can change you is when that light bulb of truth goes on in your head, then, you’re changed in the twinkling of an eye, no effort involved. The truth will change you, no belief required.
What I’ve tried to do in this essay is shine the light of truth on the Vietnam Vets for a change. Or any combat vet for that matter. Perhaps show the world that the Vietnam Vet is a very special person. What he went through was difficult and very slippery. And the skills he picked up fighting that senseless war are very valuable.
Dr. K. R. Sutter